so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
The uberlube is also flammable
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
