can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Randomize
