plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
