My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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