Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
