my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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