life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
