1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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