I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
