Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
we're making bets on your personal life
My ATM looks so different sober.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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