I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
