i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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