I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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