her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
