Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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