Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
