If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
