my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
