Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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