He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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