I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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