bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
