I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
