i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
