I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
