There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
