I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
