i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
