in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
