woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
