I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize
