remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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