i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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