Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
