i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
