My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
