I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
