Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
