Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
