you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
