When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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