Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
