im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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