things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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