whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
This is classic penis vs brain.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
