only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
