Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
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