I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
