Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
