I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you will always have a special place in my vag
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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